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Underworld: Blood Wars Movie Review

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Underworld: Blood Wars Movie Review
Underworld: Blood Wars Movie Review

We last saw Kate Beckinsale as Selena, the Death Dealer vampire in 2012’s Underworld: Awakening. It was revealed that she had given birth to a girl who would later have the blood to unite the Lycans (werewolves) and the Vampire Clans. In Underworld: Blood Wars, Selena has hidden her daughter so well, that Selena, herself does not know where she it. I guess if you can figure that one out, Underworld: Blood Wars is for you. But there is a good reason we have not been subjected to an Underworld film for five years. The last one was bad enough in a series of films in this franchise that have worn out their welcome a long time ago. Don’t get me wrong. I can watch Kate Beckinsale prance around all day long in that spandex cat suit, but the story of Underworld has been dead for the last three films. They have done themselves no favors with this film, either.

Underworld: Blood Wars is simply an atrociously bad film. Let me just get that out of the way, right off. At ninety-one minutes in length it still was too long.  The action is dull and repetitive and the story is simply laughable. The acting is horrendous with only Beckinsale and Charles Dance coming to work. Every character is stiff and unlikable and even Michael Wandmacher’s score is bland and lifeless. There is not one thing that works in Underworld: Blood Wars. Not the visual effects, not the direction by newcomer Anna Foerster (who is scheduled to direct the Source Code 2, the sequel to the smash hit, Source Code starring Jake Gyllenhaal) which is without energy or purpose. Theo James has found another franchise he can stink up with his acting. It wasn’t enough he ruined the Divergent franchise, now he has found a home in this franchise and he has wasted no time in bringing it to its knees. But the worst part of Underworld: Blood Wars is the script. It is truly abominable.

Written by Cory Goodman, Underworld: Blood Wars is only his third script. You know what his first two scripts were? Priest and The Last Witch Hunter. Now, if I am a producer or a studio executive and we are brainstorming which writer to hire for this film and someone says, “Hey, why don’t we see if Cory Goodman is available?” I would ask “Cory Goodman? Who is that? What has he written?” If they come back with “Priest and The Last Witch Hunter” I would ask this person if they are stoned or drunk.  Are you kidding me?! Oh yea, let’s get that guy. His script is full of needless exposition, double crosses, betrayals and mind numbingly sterile drama. I could not have cared less. What is worse, the end (which could not have come soon enough) leaves it wide open for another Underworld film.

If it seems like I am being harsh with Underworld: Blood Wars it is because I am. There is no reason to slap something like this together in such a haphazard manner. This is not a so-bad-its-good kind of film. This is just a bad film. There is not one character (other than Kate Beckinsale and Charles Dance) that I cared about. There is not one avenue, not one plot or subplot in this film that is worth spending time on. Characters are given no depth and what they utter is meaningless in a convoluted story that makes no sense. I was not expecting a Citizen Kane with Underworld: Blood Wars, but my goodness gracious, I was unprepared for just how inept and incompetently crafted this film really is. I was outside this morning watering my plants on the deck of my home and watching my dog relieve herself. I took more enjoyment with that than with anything in Underworld: Blood Wars.  Relax, Matt Damon and The Great Wall. You are no longer the worst film, so far this year.

Underworld: Blood Wars – 1/2 star out of 5

Underworld: Blood Wars – Rated R for language, gore, graphic violence

Underworld: Blood Wars – Run Time is 91 minutes

If you are still interested and simply must see this trash, it is available on DVD, On Demand and subscription services.

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